Hilarious Quotes!

This page is full of the funniest quotes I could find. Submit your own in the comments below!

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up and does not stop until you get into the office.

Girls have an unfair advantage over men: If they can’t get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.

Yul Brynner

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?

Jean Cocturan

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said, ‘No, Six should be enough.

Les Dawson

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir … mighty scarce.

Mark Twain

People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who

haven’t what they want that they don’t want it.

Ogden Nash

I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug.

Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.

Unknown

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.

Ashleigh Brilliant

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

E. DeGeners

They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

Milton Berle

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

Jim Davis

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!”

Milton Berle

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

Steven Weinberg

A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.

Anonymous

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
Unknown

Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill

The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
Thomas Paine

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
George Carlin

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.
Yogi Berra

It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road.
Anonymous 


Thanks for reading! I'll add more as I find them.

Stay Krazy!

-Krazy Katy